You may have heard the expression: “you are rarely upset for the reason you think you are.”
While this is wonderful and wise, it only works if you have the emotional intelligence that is necessary in order to uncover the various layers of what you are really upset about underneath.
This common disconnect from our true emotions happens for a variety of reasons.
In fact, growing up, very few are taught how to access and express their truest emotions in healthy ways.
Instead, you may have grown up in a house where:
- certain feelings weren’t “allowed” or were perceived as wrong, bad, or weak (such as anger, embarrassment, sadness, or even joy)
- you lacked role models who identified their more vulnerable feelings and expressed them healthily
- you witnessed your caregivers bury, ignore, avoid, or deny their emotions or take them out on others.
Knowing the extent of what you are actually feeling in any given moment is not an inherent awareness.
In fact, the majority of adults are, on some level, (understandably and innocently so) disconnected from the full depth and breadth of their inner emotional world.
And cultivating emotional intelligence is essential in relationships so that you:
- can avoid misdirecting your emotions at each other
- don’t waste time and energy arguing about the surface issue
- communicate your emotions in a way that prevents defensiveness and promotes empathy instead
When your emotional intelligence is strong and you can identify what’s really going on underneath the surface, it creates:
- greater closeness and emotional intimacy between you
- a deeper connection to your own inner wisdom
- a much easier time talking about what’s really going on (i.e. it’s never just about the dishes, finances, sex, parenting, or whatever you think!)
In this blog, we’re excited to share 2 of 4 keys to building your emotional intelligence and uncovering what’s actually going on underneath your upset…
(Stay tuned: in the next blog, we’ll share the other 2!)
(1) Get to know your emotional jackets.
Many years ago, we attended training by relationship pioneers Gay and Katie Hendricks. They taught us a term we love: “emotional jackets.”
These are the emotions we wear on the surface that may be easier to feel or express.
Underneath the emotional jacket, however, there are less obvious emotions.
For example, underneath the jacket of anger may actually be fear.
And, underneath fear, might actually be guilt.
Once we take our emotional jackets off and express the more vulnerable feelings, we are able to recognize what’s really going on for us.
For example, you may tell your beloved, “I’m mad at you for…”
When you take that emotional jacket off, you may discover you are actually just scared (i.e. “I’m scared we’re not in this together or that I’m a failure or that I made a mistake.”).
You may also realize you feel guilty about not being a better mom and are angry because of your unhealthy habits.
The above is just an example, and emotional jackets show up in a countless variety of ways.
The key is…
…whenever you feel an emotion, start getting curious about what might be underneath that “jacket.”
Is there something deeper you feel upset, scared, ashamed, worried, guilty, embarrassed, insecure, etc. about?
When we guide couples to share the more vulnerable emotions underneath how they typically react, their partner naturally shifts from being defensive to more empathetic, openhearted, and understanding.
It takes practice, but this gets easier and easier!
Next time you are upset with your beloved, before expressing it or criticizing them for something, take a moment to be with yourself and ask…
>> Is there anything else I feel underneath the more obvious emotion?
(2) Expand your emotional vocabulary.
In order to identify your emotions, you need words for them.
Although the basics (ex: mad, sad, happy, scared, nervous, excited) are valuable, expanding your vocabulary of feelings-words will fine tune your ability to accurately identify the subtleties.
In our office, we regularly give our clients a list of feelings.
When we do, they go from naming just one or two feelings before receiving the handout to identifying 10 or more after receiving the handout!
The more you expand your emotional vocabulary, the more precise you can be.
To get started with this, you can easily Google “list of emotions” and see all sorts of search results.
Our encouragement? Print up a list of feelings and emotions, and keep it someplace handy.
Then, next time you feel triggered or something is emotionally-charged, get it out.
Even if you don’t express those feelings to anyone else, simply having a vocabulary to give every precious feeling inside of you a name and voice is an invaluable practice.
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Okay, that gives you a couple things to try today. Way to go!
Stay tuned for the other 2 of 4 keys to building your emotional intelligence and uncovering what’s actually going on underneath the surface of your upset.
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If a thriving, conscious, fulfilling, loving, connected relationship is possible… why not choose it? Helping you achieve this is our passion and expertise around here!
Want to explore possibilities? You can always reach us at 812-223-7186 M-F or schedule a FREE 20-minute consultation to learn more about our private sessions, available anywhere in the world.
Sending you so much love, gratitude, and support always,
