Over the past blogs, we’ve been exploring how to build emotional intelligence in relationships…
…and how to uncover what’s actually going on underneath whatever you think you are upset about.
Because, as we shared at the very beginning of this series…
We are rarely upset for the reason we think we are.
And the more deeply we understand what’s happening inside of ourselves, the more clearly we can…
…communicate to those we love
…and address what’s actually going on (rather than only reacting to the surface).
So, before we share our fourth and final key in this series on building your emotional intelligence, let’s quickly bring together the first three:
(1) Get curious about your emotional jackets.
Instead of stopping at the most obvious emotion, we encourage you to ask yourself:
What else might I be feeling underneath this?
For example underneath anger might also be sadness, fear, embarrassment, insecurity, guilt, or something else entirely.
(2) Expand your emotional vocabulary.
The more words you have for your emotions, the more accurately you can identify and communicate your actual experience.
Instead of simply “mad,” “sad,” or “stressed,” perhaps you’re feeling disappointed, lonely, overwhelmed, embarrassed, worried, or disconnected.
(3) Notice what is happening in your body.
Your body is constantly giving you information about your emotional experience, sometimes before your mind even has words for it.
Perhaps there is tightness in your chest, a lump in your throat, heat in your face, butterflies in your stomach, or tension in your shoulders.
Slow down enough to notice the “microscopic truth” of what is happening inside of you, and try sharing from that more vulnerable place.
And now…
(4) Uncover what you are really longing for.
In Human Needs Psychology, there is the basic understanding that so much of what we say and do is an attempt to get our needs met.
When important needs are being met, we tend to experience greater wellbeing. When they aren’t, we may experience some form of distress.
In this way, your upsetting emotions can be invaluable messengers that point you toward an underlying need or longing that wants your attention.
And when you actually identify the need underneath the emotion, it can be incredibly validating, helpful, and clarifying.
The closer we can get to the essence of what we are needing, rather than getting lost in the surface-level story of what we think we are upset about…
…the more opportunity we create for connection with both ourselves and one another.
Let’s give you an example of how all four keys can work together.
Imagine your partner has been on their phone throughout the evening.
Your immediate reaction might be:
“You are ALWAYS on your phone! Why can’t you ever put that thing down?”
But instead of immediately reacting, you pause and get curious.
Emotional jacket:
On the surface, you notice that you feel angry and irritated.
Deeper emotions:
When you look underneath the anger, you realize you also feel lonely, sad, disconnected, and worried you are growing apart. Maybe you even feel guilty or frustrated because you know you do the same.
Body sensations:
You notice heaviness in your chest and a tightening in your throat.
And then you ask yourself:
What am I really needing or longing for right now?
Perhaps the answer is connection, presence, attention, closeness, to feel important, to know that you matter, to have more fun.
Now, rather than accusations, complaints, demands, criticism, assumptions, etc. (which tends to create even more disconnection and defensiveness)…
…you can share more tenderly your dreams, needs, and longings and invite them into your inner world.
Suddenly, the conversation becomes very different.
And THAT is where emotional intelligence becomes emotional intimacy. Yay!
Let’s give you an example of how this contrast could look.
OLD WAY OF DOING THINGS:
“You are ALWAYS on your phone! Why can’t you ever put that thing down?”
(Said in a critical or harsh tone.)
This approach makes your partner wrong, which is likely to provoke defensiveness, and focuses almost entirely on your partner…
…rather than helping them understand you and what is happening inside of you.
MORE EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT WAY OF RESPONDING:
“When I see you on your phone at night, I start to feel scared we’re drifting apart, and I miss you. I also feel disappointed because I’ve been looking forward to seeing you all day. And I feel guilty and frustrated because I know I do it too. I notice this empty sensation in my heart and chest when there is distance between us. I love you so much. I long to feel closer to you again.”
Can you feel the difference?
The second keeps you connected to your own heart and allows you to speak more directly to theirs.
It also allows you to address the real issue and the opportunity that lies underneath.
Isn’t it amazing how your emotions become little signposts pointing you toward what matters to you, what hurts, what you value, what you fear, and what you most deeply long for?!
The next time you find yourself emotionally activated, see if you can walk yourself through all four:
1. What is my emotional jacket? What else might I be feeling underneath?
2. Can I name the variety of emotions I might be feeling right now?
3. What am I noticing in my body?
4. What am I really needing, dreaming of, or longing for?
In this way, moments of upset or conflict truly become opportunities for greater understanding, empathy, and intimacy.
Like anything worthwhile, it takes practice, so we encourage you to be gentle and patient with yourselves.
With intention, you can become evermore connected to your own emotional world and learn to bring what you discover into your relationship in ways that create greater understanding, closeness, and love.
And it’s so, so, so worth it.
—
If we can ever be of support, this is exactly the kind of emotional connection we LOVE to help couples create, even those who are in the midst of conflict, who worry they’ve grown too far apart, or who don’t know where to begin.
All you need to do is reach out! We’ve got you from there.
Couples who have thriving relationships aren’t the “lucky ones.” They are simply the ones who learned the skills it takes.
Want to explore possibilities? You can always reach us at 812-223-7186 M-F or schedule a FREE 20-minute consultation to learn more about our private sessions for individuals and couples, available anywhere in the world.
Sending you so much love, gratitude, and support always,
