Have you ever had your partner give you feedback and, before they’ve even finished the sentence, you can feel yourself getting defensive?
Maybe your chest tightens. You immediately want to explain your side. You start mentally listing all the ways they’re getting it wrong.
Or their words hit a tender spot and suddenly you feel criticized, blamed, misunderstood, or like you’re simply not enough.
>> Receiving feedback from the person we love can be challenging for sure.
Even when part of us knows there may be something valuable in what they’re saying…
…another part of us may want to defend, shut down, counterattack, explain ourselves, or make the discomfort go away.
And that makes so much sense.
Feedback can touch some of our most sensitive places, especially when it comes from the person whose love and acceptance matter so deeply to us.
Recently, we sent an email about how to best GIVE feedback in a way your partner can hear.
Today, we want to explore the other side of that conversation: RECEIVING feedback.
Here are 7 practices we’ve found can make a beautiful difference…
1. Find the gem of truth.
We are passionate about having a learning-orientation to life, which invites us to see how every experience, positive or challenging, holds opportunities for growth.
Although your partner’s feedback will inevitably be colored by their own emotions, projections, judgments, personal needs, perspectives, etc., chances are, there may be a gem of wisdom inside that you could benefit from receiving.
Rather than defensively rejecting it all, our loving encouragement is to first pause and get curious about what you can learn from it.
Is there something in it that could help you better understand yourself, your partner, or your relationship?
Of course, not every part of their feedback may be accurate or helpful.
However, we find that, generally speaking, the more open we are to feedback, the more opportunities we have to grow and make things continually better.
In our own relationship, we’ve also noticed that, sometimes, the feedback we resist the most may actually contain something especially important for us to hear.
2. Remember: their perspective isn’t the whole truth.
We want to balance out the above suggestion by also acknowledging that your partner’s feedback is not THE ultimate truth.
Because we’re all human, what they see is unavoidably colored by their own experiences, emotions, history, needs, beliefs, and filters.
So, yes, get curious. Look for the gem, and see what truth there may be for you.
AND…
…balance this by listening to and trusting your own heart and inner wisdom.
You can take your partner’s experience seriously without making every word they say be the definitive truth about you.
Both of your perspectives can hold valuable information.
3. Let feedback fuel growth, not your inner critic.
If you already have a harsh inner critic, you could easily use your partner’s feedback as further reinforcement of the negative beliefs you already have about yourself:
“I’m not enough.” “I always mess things up.” “I’m a failure.” “I’ll never get this right.”
These may not at all be what your partner is saying or wanting you to think or feel.
And it’s definitely not how we want you to receive their feedback.
Instead, our loving encouragement is to take yourself a bit more lightly.
There are no failures in life, only feedback about what does and doesn’t work.
Everything can be used for our growth, and nothing is lost if we learn from it.
Be gentle, compassionate, forgiving, and kind to yourself.
Give yourself permission to be human and get messy.
Our ego can feel threatened by the possibility that we’ve made a “mistake” or are “wrong.”
However, your beautiful heart has the wisdom to embrace imperfection, learn, grow, use it for good, and move onward and upward.
4. Listen through an attachment lens.
This one can completely change the way you hear your partner.
Sometimes, what sounds like criticism on the surface is actually a much more vulnerable longing underneath.
Attachment research has helped illuminate just how deeply our closest relationships are tied to feelings of emotional safety, connection, responsiveness, and security.
So, when possible, try listening not only to the WORDS your partner is saying, but also for the more vulnerable question their heart may be asking:
Do I matter to you? Are you there for me? Can I count on you? Do you care about what I’m feeling? Are we okay?
Of course, not every piece of feedback is about attachment.
However, when it is, hearing the deeper longing underneath the words can make it much easier to respond with love rather than getting caught in a battle over the words themselves.
5. Find how your partner makes sense.
Three of the most magical words in a relationship are:
“That makes sense.”
There is a reason your partner brought this up.
Rather than immediately resisting, defending, correcting, or rejecting what they’re saying…
…get curious about how their thoughts and feelings make sense, particularly if you were standing in their shoes.
This does NOT necessarily mean saying:
“You’re right, and I’m wrong.”
It means being able to communicate:
“Given what you experienced, I can understand why you would feel that way.”
Feeling understood and validated can help turn down the emotional intensity of a conversation and make it much easier for BOTH of you to move toward connection and solutions.
And it’s way easier and more productive than spending 20 minutes trying to prove whose version of reality is correct.
6. Listen for the need beneath the words.
When we get defensive about what our partner has shared, we can miss the underlying feelings and needs they are actually trying to communicate.
There is a good chance they are sharing feedback with you because something important to them isn’t happening or a need isn’t getting met.
Maybe they want more affection, appreciation, quality time, emotional connection, reassurance, etc.
Rather than seeing the conversation as “you vs. them,” we’ve found it abundantly more productive to get curious together.
Then, rather than battling over the problem, you can work together as a TEAM to find creative solutions that care for both of you.
7. Look for the loving intention underneath.
Lastly, when it feels authentic and appropriate, see if you can find the positive intention in your partner sharing this feedback with you.
Perhaps they’re bringing something up because they want more closeness, because your relationship matters to them, or because they believe the two of you are capable of something even better.
We know that people don’t always share feedback in healthy or skillful ways (which is why our email on giving feedback is also key).
Also, of course, we’re not suggesting you tolerate disrespectful, hurtful, or unhealthy communication.
However, when there is a loving intention underneath an imperfect delivery, remembering that can help you see your partner as someone who is ultimately on the same team…
…rather than an adversary you need to protect yourself against.
Almost always, when we see the best, we get the best ~ in others, ourselves, and in life.
~~~
We hope there were some useful nuggets here to help make those tender moments of receiving feedback a little easier.
Instead of a threat to defend against, feedback can become an invitation into greater understanding, deeper intimacy, and growth.
If you long for your partner to be more open to the deeply important things you have to share, it is our honor and joy to help facilitate conversations where clients repeatedly say things like:
“This is the first time when I feel like you actually heard me.”
Simply know you can always reach us at 812-223-7186 M-F or schedule a FREE 20-minute consultation to learn more about our private sessions, available anywhere in the world.
Sending you so much love, hope, and support always,
