We are fortunate to live at a time when we have lots of different modes of communication available, such as…
…phone calls, texting, emails, video calls, and talking together in person.
And here’s what we’ve undeniably found from our own lives and the couples we’ve been honored to support here at the Center for Thriving Relationships…
…trying to resolve conflict when you can’t actually see and feel each other’s energy is a very slippery slope and creates a massive risk for misunderstanding, escalation, and further conflict.
When in doubt, we nearly always recommend being together in person at a time that works for both of you.
Next best thing? Seeing each other on video.
Here are 4 reasons to avoid conflict resolution via text or email (and why SEEING each other is best)…
1. Increases Misinterpretations
When we can’t read tone of voice and facial expressions, the brain (which is wired for threat detection) tends to negatively interpret things and assume the worst (especially in moments of heightened emotions).
This negativity bias has been widely studied in neuroscience and is consistent with attachment research.
Our assumptions and misinterpretations, of course, often trigger defensiveness in the other person.
2. Lacks Co-Regulation
Your nervous system can’t as effectively co-regulate through a screen.
When partners are physically present, it helps calm the nervous system without even trying.
This means, when we can’t see each other, our threat response is more easily turned ON, and our relaxation response is more readily turned OFF (leading to escalation).
Things like eye contact, soft tone of voice, physical presence, gentle and welcomed touch, and immediate responsiveness also help release oxytocin (a powerful bonding neurochemical).
3. Lessens Vulnerability (and, therefore, empathy)
We realize a lot of people opt for things like emails, texting, or phone calls because it actually feels less vulnerable, which is completely understandable.
However, the seemingly “easier” option nearly always makes things harder instead.
Vulnerability is actually what inspires empathy and connection.
When we take emotional risks and get brave with our tender feelings, it more readily creates openhearted connection.
4. Triggers More Anxiety
For anyone prone to anxiety, certainty is deeply reassuring, and the space between messages amplifies things like rumination, worry, fear, triggers, and so on.
Being together in live time prevents suffering often created in the space of the unknown.
Key: When connection feels uncertain, we assume danger.
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So, next time you’re tempted to communicate something more emotionally-charged?
Our enthusiastic recommendation…
…is to ask them if you can talk in person about it.
And, if a loved one approaches you over email or text with a more conflict-oriented message, simply suggest getting together in person (as soon as possible) or meeting up via video (FaceTime, Zoom, etc.).
Assure them what they’ve shared is really important to you, and you’d love to connect about it when you can see and hear each other.
Conflict is inevitable in relationships.
However, there are a ton of things we can do to much more quickly and easily repair.
If you would benefit from a safe space to heal from past hurts, clear up misunderstandings, and create new healthy patterns of communication, we’re always here to be of support.
You’re warmly welcome to schedule a FREE, compassionate, and confidential 20-minute discovery call HERE at any time >> You can also just reply to this message or call us at 812-223-7186 M-F.
Sending so much love and gratitude,
