There is a tiny shift in how we ask for things in our relationships that can have a big impact:
Moving from DEMANDS to COLLABORATION.
We like to say…
Demands will disconnect you, whereas a spirit of collaboration creates connection.
Of course, most of us don’t intentionally set out to make demands of the people we love.
However, when we’re tired, overwhelmed, rushing, feeling out of control, or simply trying to get through the countless things that need to happen on a given day, it can sound like (in a more negative tone):
“I need you to wash the dishes.”
“Can you please get off your phone?”
“You need to help more around here.”
“I need you to put the kids to bed tonight.”
“We need to talk.”
“You have GOT to stop leaving your stuff everywhere.”
Of course, the request may be completely reasonable and valid.
The important shift to make isn’t necessarily around WHAT you’re asking for.
Instead, it’s around HOW you’re asking.
Despite your best intentions, when something lands as a demand, criticism, or command, your partner can easily hear:
“You’re doing something wrong.”
“I’m disappointed in you.”
“You don’t have a choice.”
“I need to control what happens next.”
And before you know it, something as innocent as a sink full of dishes can turn into defensiveness, resistance, resentment, or a power struggle (which is exhausting, ineffective, and no fun).
There is actually some great relationship science behind this.
Decades of research by Dr. John Gottman have shown just how much the beginning of a conversation matters.
In one longitudinal study of newlyweds, researchers were able to largely predict marital stability versus divorce six years later based on what happened during just the first few minutes of a conflict conversation.
This is why the Gottmans teach what they call a “softened start-up,” bringing up what you need without blame, while including respect, appreciation, and a positive request.
In other words…
The energy we bring to a request matters deeply.
Here is an example, and we invite you to imagine a harsher tone in the first and a softer in the second.
DEMAND: “I need you to wash the dishes.”
Now compare it with:
COLLABORATION: “Thanks for eating dinner with me. I’d love to feel a sense of order and beauty in our home and to have even more spaciousness to be fully present with you tonight. Would you be open to helping with the dishes so we can move on into our fun evening together, or what would work for you?”
Can you FEEL the difference?
The second version communicates:
“I appreciate you. I want you to understand why this matters to me. We’re on the same team. Your needs matter too. Let’s figure this out together.”
And this applies to SO many everyday moments.
Instead of:
“You need to get off your phone.”
We encourage you to try something like:
“I miss you. Would you be willing to put our phones away for a little while so we can really be together? I’d love to connect.”
Instead of:
“You need to put the kids to bed tonight.”
Try:
“I’m feeling really depleted tonight and would love some support. Would you be willing to take bedtime tonight, or could we figure out another way to do it together?”
Instead of:
“You need to stop spending so much money.”
Try something like:
“I’ve been feeling anxious about our finances lately, and I’d really love for us to feel like a team around our money. Could we sit down together this weekend and look at it?”
Instead of:
“You never plan anything for us.”
Try:
“I LOVE when we have something fun to look forward to together. It makes me feel so connected to you. Would you be up for planning our next date together?”
And yes…
The collaborative version usually takes a little longer to say.
But probably not even a minute longer.
And do you know how many hours that extra 30 seconds might save you from feeling disconnected, getting caught in a power struggle, defending yourselves, repairing hurt feelings, or quietly carrying resentment toward one another?!
Sometimes what looks more “efficient” in the moment is actually incredibly inefficient for the relationship.
Connection takes a few extra seconds.
Disconnection can take hours, days, or sometimes much longer to repair.
So here’s our loving encouragement for you this week:
Before making a request of someone you love, pause for just a moment and ask yourself:
Am I approaching this person as someone I need to manage or as someone I deeply love and want to collaborate with?
Then, simply see if you can add just a little more appreciation, empathy, vulnerability, curiosity, warmth, and choice to the conversation (in both words and tone).
Of course, collaboration doesn’t at all mean abandoning your own needs, tolerating hurtful behavior, or never making a clear request or setting a boundary.
Instead, it simply means remembering that you and your partner are not opponents and get to be teammates instead.
If you are tired from making requests your partner doesn’t hear or if you feel exhausted from demands being made, rest assured that communication skills can 10000% be learned.
And you don’t have to wait until your relationship is in crisis to get support.
You are always warmly welcome to reach us at 812-223-7186 M-F or schedule a FREE 20-minute consultation to learn more about our private sessions, available anywhere in the world.
Sending you so much love and support always,
