Emotional triggers in our relationships…
They can send you quickly regressing into old patterns and sabotage the progress you’ve made, the insights you’ve gained, and the growth you’ve experienced.
If you beat yourself (or your partner) up for making the same mistakes or doing the same unhelpful thing over and over (even though you know better), this is for you.
When triggered, we typically go into fight (get amped up) or flight, freeze, or faint (feel more paralyzed, tired, or shut down).
Most triggers arise when a need of ours feels threatened (needs such as trust, peace, togetherness, consideration, thoughtfulness, appreciation, understanding, acceptance, autonomy, safety, ease, love, mutuality, etc.).
When triggered, it’s easy to lose the ability to skillfully move through things in our relationship, our tools can go right out the window, and we can act very immaturely.
Unfortunately, a lot of times, our triggers are uncomfortable…
…and so we push them down, develop maladaptive strategies to cope with them, judge them, or project them onto other people and think they are to blame.
However, here’s an easy practice to start turning triggers into opportunities for deeper understanding and connection…
Step #1
Become more fully aware of your triggers, and get to know the body sensations you feel (i.e. increased heart rate, racing in your chest, clenched stomach, a desire to run, warm face, sweaty, etc.).
Do you suddenly start talking more quickly, do you start to check out, do you feel compelled to interrupt or talk over someone, do you raise your voice, or do you start to leave the room?
Even just becoming aware that you are triggered is a powerful step and makes a difference.
Step #2
Realize that some part of you (that you may not even be aware of) is scared and feels threatened by whatever is occurring.
Step #3
Speak from that fearful part of you, using the prompt:
“I’m scared that…”
Fill in the blank, and see what comes.
For example:
“I’m scared you don’t care.”
“I’m scared you think I’m a terrible person.”
“I’m scared we’re drifting apart.”
“I’m scared I am in this alone.”
Try to avoid blame, criticism, and any sort of wrong-making.
Instead, stay focused on yourself, simply noticing and expressing the deeper underlying vulnerability.
This can work wonders to shift both partners out of defensiveness and into a bit more openhearted togetherness instead.
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Whenever we do this in our own relationship or with the couples we’re honored to support, we’re in awe of the understanding it creates.
Rather than reacting to what’s on the surface, we can then speak directly to what it’s really about.
The thing is: most of us react from fears in our relationship, in ways beyond what we even realize.
And unnamed fears and unaddressed triggers can create a lot of dysfunction.
Which is why we’re passionate about — not just behavioral change on the surface — but looking more deeply at what’s underneath it.
Curious to learn more about how to achieve lasting change in your relationship and get to the root of an issue? As always, we are here to be of support in any way. Reach out anytime at 812-223-7186 or by scheduling a free discovery call here.
We honor you deeply for leaning into your fears to make space for all the love and connection that can exist instead.
Sending so much love,
