Have you ever had someone completely misinterpret something you did?
It can be painful and disconnecting…
…and you likely felt so misunderstood.
When we first started having the honor of supporting couples 15 years ago, one of the things that stood out to us the very most was this:
Once couples could finally understand each other…
…solutions, renewed love and connection, feeling heard, supported, and appreciated…
(all the things people long for in relationships)
…suddenly became readily more available.
Of course, there are layers to fully understanding each other…
…especially when many people don’t even fully understand themselves (infinite compassion for this, of course).
However, there is one potent prompt that will help you powerfully unlock greater understanding in both yourself and each other.
Here’s the thing…
>> We’re not usually reacting to what’s really happening.
Instead, we’re reacting to the story we’ve told ourselves about what’s happening.
And it happens so, so quickly. In a millisecond, your partner says or does something…
…and your brain fills in the meaning.
And then, without even realizing it, you believe that story as if it’s true.
And, of course, the story then creates a cascade of feelings.
And those feelings inform your words, reactions, tone, etc.
Then, your beloved reacts to your interpretation and reaction.
And the downward spiral continues…
…and it’s based on something that likely doesn’t even reflect the full picture or truth.
Instead…
…let’s try slooooowing this negative domino down with one key prompt you can say in the moment…
“The story I’m telling myself right now is________________________. Is that true?”
When we use this prompt, it creates greater understanding in 3 keys ways:
(1) Self Understanding
It helps you understand yourself more clearly. When you pause and name the story, you step out of being unconsciously inside of it. You can see it, rather than be run by it.
(2) Understanding Your Partner
It helps you understand your partner more accurately. You get to compare the story you’re telling yourself with what’s actually true. While your feelings are valid, your thoughts can lead you astray and rob you of the love right in front of you.
(3) Your Partner Understanding You
It helps your partner understand you better. When you share the story openly, your partner can finally see why you’re feeling what you’re feeling, rather than just experiencing your reaction.
Again, here’s the simple practice for you to try:
The next time you feel a wave of emotion, before reacting, try saying:
“The story I’m telling myself right now is…”
And then ask (with a curious, genuine, open heart):
“Is that true? Can you help me understand what’s really going on?”
Using this frame for your thoughts gives you a vehicle for expressing them…
…while also preventing criticism, blame, and unconsciously falling into painful stories like “you always…” or “you never…”
It helps fuel curiosity, empathy, and understanding, some of our favorite ingredients for thriving love!
Lastly, just to motivate you even more, there’s even groovy science behind why this works.
When you immediately react to a story, your brain’s threat system gets activated, and you move into protection mode (fight, flight, freeze).
However, when you pause and use this prompt, you’re activating the prefrontal cortex…
…the amazing part of your brain responsible for awareness, reflection, and emotional regulation.
Big cheers to that!
May this prompt illuminate the pathway for understanding yourself and each more deeply.
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If you struggle to get on the same page, helping you create breakthrough moments of illuminating understanding is our passion and specialty! We are here for you fully.
What’s key is that…
…the more we can understand ourselves and one another…
…the more conflict lessens and the more connection, peace, joy, togetherness, and fulfillment deepens and grows.
If you’d love to gain invaluable and completely customized relationship skills to last a lifetime that will profoundly benefit you and improve your connection, we’re here to be of support and are SO excited about the breakthroughs that are possible.
You can always reach out to us at 812-223-7186 M-F or schedule a FREE 20-minute consultation to learn more about our private counseling and coaching sessions.
Love and support always,
