It feels validating, comforting, empowering, and illuminating when we finally have words and definitions to better grasp and explain our human experiences, doesn’t it?!
The notion of “raw spots” in relationships is one such term we want to share with you today.
Chances are, you have raw spots or at some point have.
You probably know what it’s like to get them rubbed…
…and what it’s like when you bump up against someone else’s.
So, let’s talk about what they are…
Raw spots are those places that are especially sensitive, tender to the touch, easily rubbed, and deeply painful.
When a raw spot gets touched, we can quickly lose our emotional balance. It can feel like panic.
How do you know when one appears?
You may know a raw spot has been rubbed when there is a sudden (and oftentimes significant) shift in the emotional tone of a conversation.
For example, you were having a casual conversation or being friendly just a moment ago…
…and now one of you is suddenly upset, angry, anxious, or aloof or the reaction seems disproportionate to what just happened.
Sound familiar?
Where do raw spots originate?
Raw spots have been formed by moments in our past or current relationships when an attachment need was repeatedly neglected, ignored, dismissed, or abused.
They can originate from wounding in relationships with significant people in our past, especially parents and caregivers, who give us our main template for loving relationships.
Raw spots can also arise from past romantic relationships, other family members, and beyond.
They are, however, not always a reminder of past relationships and can originate in our current relationship if we feel emotionally deprived or deserted or if the need for support from our partner is particularly intense but doesn’t come, like in moments of crises or during big transitions.
Raw spots can also develop when a partner seems chronically indifferent, producing an overwhelming sense of hurt which spills over into smaller issues.
The failure of our loved one to respond to our emotional needs can rub our emotional skin raw.
Unfortunately, our raw spots almost inevitably rub up against the raw spots of our partner as well.
What can we do about them in our romantic relationship?
The aim is to know what these raw spots are and speak openly about them in a way that creates safety, healing, and connection.
It’s important to note…
Our nervous system is designed to add on information, not to allow for easy removal.
If we are to avoid danger, it’s better to stay on the side of false positives than false negatives.
Therefore, it’s important to have compassion, patience, and grace (for yourself and one another) as you create experiences that build evermore trust and security.
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We hope this gives you a new term to explain an experience we’ve all had: a raw spot getting rubbed.
Do you have any raw spots in your relationship that need healing?
Misunderstandings, conflict, and pain are inevitable in close relationships, but healing and repair are almost always possible ~ and can end up making things better than ever before. As always, we are here to be of support in any way. Reach out at 812-223-7186 or by scheduling a free and confidential discovery call here.
Sending you an abundance of love and support as you develop an ever greater understanding of the universal human experience,
