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Why You Must Heal from the PAST to Make Love LAST

Written on September 15th

September 2016

Have you ever found yourself or your beloved feeling really upset from something you judged to be insignificantly small? rearview mirror If so, it’s a sign that unhealed wounds from the past may be playing a role, and we want to present this idea to you on two levels.

First, we are referring to unhealed wounds from THIS relationship you are currently in.

When you and your beloved argue, if you tend to bring up past wrongs or mistakes and use them as weapons, this is a sign you need to heal the past before you can move forward. We see, again and again, couples that get really upset with each other, not because of what’s going on in that moment, but because it has triggered old pain. Unhealed wounds from the past with your partner turn into resentment, a loss of respect, distrust, feeling disconnected and reacting disproportionately to smaller issues.

couple in reflection

We encourage you to have these healing conversations right away. Healing the past is essential to moving forward in a healthy and vibrant relationship. Once old hurts, betrayals, and broken agreements are healed and forgiveness occurs, we encourage you to then let them go, so your relationship can move forward, and so both of you have the space to change and grow into who you want to be.

The other unhealed wounds we are referring to are those that occurred BEFORE you were in this current relationship.

These could be wounds from childhood or prior relationships. For example, if you had parents who were really controlling, you might get especially defensive when your partner suggests something, OR you might be really passive and go along with everything your beloved says.

If your parents were exceptionally critical of you when you were little, and you never felt like you could do anything good enough, you might get triggered when your beloved tries giving you feedback, no matter how gently it is communicated. If you were neglected or abandoned, you may have a hard time opening up and trusting your partner OR you might get scared of being abandoned by your beloved and become especially clingy, even when there is no true threat of your partner leaving. If you were in a previous relationship with someone who cheated on you, you might be unnecessarily suspicious or even controlling about who your beloved talks to or hangs out with.

ripplesAs you can imagine, all of these scenarios could lead to conflict, and there are countless examples of how wounds from childhood and previous relationships can lead to being triggered by our current beloved and reacting in disproportionate ways to whatever is actually happening in that moment. Most of the time, people don’t realize this connection and go on projecting all of their old pain and stories onto their beloved.

We invite you to reflect on these questions…

What challenging aspects of your past (before this relationship) have you not fully healed from?

What has your beloved done in the past that you are still holding onto with anger, resentment, or pain?

What would it take to experience healing and forgiveness around this?

Are you making it possible for your partner to be forgiven?

How might these wounds be affecting your current relationship and causing further damage and pain?

What is the COST of holding onto this old pain?

What are the BENEFITS that would come from healing and moving forward and upward?

How can you better support your beloved in their healing?

affectionate coupleIncredible transformation is possible, and it’s never too late to experience remarkable healing from whatever has happened at any time in your life. If we can help you heal from the past to make YOUR love last, know we are here for you in every way and love helping couples with this! Learn more about our counseling and coaching sessions here or our signature Thrive in Love retreat here.

Infinite Love and Joy,
Christine and Bret


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