2 Ways to Get Out of Your Funk & Back Into Your Groove
Couples that come to us for counseling often talk about a longing to get back to where they used to be, when things were easier, love was flowing freely, and they felt deeply connected. But they feel lost about how to get there. Today, we’re excited to share with you 2 easy ways to get out of your funk and back into your groove!
#1: Create a New “Relationship Home Base.”
In your relationship, have you had the experience of things going really well for awhile, you are getting along, laughing together, smiling when you look at each other, sharing quality and positive time, making love, being affectionate, feeling connected, giving freely…and then…BAM…things are suddenly back to old patterns, gridlock issues, power struggles, nitpicking, blaming, criticizing, touching less, feeling dissatisfied, or any of those other things you wish you could avoid?
This can sometimes happen so quickly that, before you know it, you’re in a downward spiral and can’t find your way back to each other. One reason this happens is because of what you each have chosen as your “Relationship Home Base.” This is the place to which you keep returning. Things may go well for some time (whether it be an hour, a day, a month, or a few months), but then you keep ending back up in this same emotional state. Your Relationship Home Base may be worry, stress, anxiety, fear, anger, disappointment, frustration, etc. Likewise, it may be joy, ease, peace, celebration, humor, fun, etc. Chances are, your Relationship Home Base is very similar to your Life Home Base (the place you eventually return to after having any kind of experience).
For example, imagine you’ve just had a great week with your beloved. You created time to be fully present with each other, you supported each other in parenting decisions, you laughed at silly things only the two of you would find funny, you slept closely in each other’s arms, you made love, and you sent sweet text messages throughout the day. Then, you wake up early Saturday morning to get caught up on things and discover your beloved still hasn’t taken the trash out and, while going over your budget, learn that he or she spent more money this month than you judge was necessary.
You suddenly snap back into your Relationship Home Base (fear, anger, worry, disappointment, despair, etc.), and react to your mate out of this emotional state. Your partner, just waking up and not expecting this kind of conversation too snaps back, in an instant, to his or her Relationship Home Base (resentment, shame, stress, pain, etc.). You can see where this is going. Now, imagine how this would be different if each partner consciously chose to create a NEW Relationship Home Base, a new place to always return back to, no matter what occurs. Imagine if the Relationship Home Base was teamwork, ease, and happiness. Things would have gone a lot differently!
We have both chosen our Relationship Home Base to be love, connection, and joy. Whenever we notice ourselves veering away, we quickly come back to our center and recommit. Most often, we do this silently, inside of ourselves. Sometimes, we’ll even say aloud something like “I recommit to love, connection, and joy!” The more often you consciously bring yourself back to your Relationship Home Base, you literally rewire your brain and train it to come back more readily each time.
Go ahead, and write down three qualities in your current Relationship Home Base:
(Do these look familiar to how you respond in other areas of life too, beyond your relationship?)
Now, write down 3 qualities you want to choose for your new Relationship Home Base:
(ideas: trust, happiness, peace, lightness, joy, love, flow, kindness, courage, strength, confidence, joy, etc.) Choose qualities that will always bring you back to a thriving relationship.
Life is truly not what happens to us but how we respond to it. In the next week, whenever something occurs throughout the day, pay attention to your frequently occurring feelings and thoughts. Then, make an instant shift by recommitting to your new Relationship Home Base (such as ease, love, and joy). Let your life, your thoughts, your choices, and your actions be born from that place!
#2: Do What You Did When Things Were Working.
This one is really simple and can make all the difference. When things are flowing in wondrous ways, notice what you are doing differently. What were you doing when the two of you first met? Remember how easy and enjoyable it was to be together?! Don’t make the mistake most couples do by letting those things stop. Repeat those same actions throughout the lifetime of your relationship, and your groove will keep growing! In other words, don’t wait until you feel in love, joyous, and at peace. Do the actions that lead to those feelings. Change your tone when speaking to your beloved, smile more often, do something thoughtful, be affectionate, say kind things, and be generous without thinking of what you will get in return.
Go ahead and write down the things you did in the beginning and during times when things were going magically, passionately, and delightfully:
Now, simply repeat, repeat, repeat.
We’d love to hear from YOU! What do you do to get out of funks and back into the groove in your relationship? How do you find your way back to your beloved when you’re feeling disconnected?
Lastly, if you could use some individualized support reconnecting to your beloved, dissolving the unnecessary conflict that stands between you, interrupting frustrating patterns, and reigniting that wonderful feeling of magic and passion, this is our absolute specialty and deepest joy! Couples therapy and marriage counseling (typically offered with both of us present and with you and your partner or spouse) is a completely safe, accepting, affirming, encouraging, and positive space to create a relationship you feel excited to wake up to every day!
Here’s to lasting love!
Loving Gratitude and Infinite Blessings,
Christine and Bret Eartheart
Co-Founders of the Center for Thriving Relationships