One of the most profound privileges of getting to be with our dear clients during deeply vulnerable moments is that it’s become undeniably clear to us…
…most people are not just trying to be difficult or dramatic or ______ (fill in the blank).
Most of us are just protecting something.
In fact, beneath conscious awareness, your nervous system is constantly scanning for cues of safety or danger.
Typically, when we feel safe, we connect.
And, when we feel threatened, we quickly protect.
And what that protection looks like can be different for all of us and, of course, can change in different settings and moments.
Below are 6 of the most common safety strategies we see play out in relationships, over and over again.
It is invaluable in our relationships when we shift from misinterpreting each other or asking:
“What is wrong with them?”
to…
“What are they protecting right now?”
When you read through the strategies below, we invite you to pay special attention to what the strategy is trying to protect, allowing you to gain more compassionate understanding for yourself, as well as for others.
Plus, when you can more clearly see the heart of someone else’s fear, you can shift your strategy in how you relate to them much more effectively.
6 Ways We Protect Ourselves in Relationships
(Of course, we can use a combination of these, and they can evolve and change over time. They are simply adaptive strategies that have worked brilliantly at different times of life.)
Which one(s) do you tend to play most?
1 ~ The Attuner
This person moves toward connection. They easily read the room and can feel shifts in tone immediately. If something is off in your relationship, they will feel it immediately. They want everyone to be okay. When things get tense, they soften. They are more prone to cry than confront. They long for reassurance.
One of their core fears is disconnection.
Their superpower is empathy and emotional intelligence.
Their growth opportunity is learning to protect themselves too.
2 ~ The Fighter
This person tends to move against and, when stress rises, their voice may sharpen. They may assert, push back, and get irritated more quickly. In threatened moments, anger typically feels safer than vulnerability.
Underneath the edge is often a fear of powerlessness.
Their superpower is having strong boundaries and protecting.
And their opportunity for growth is to let people see the softer emotions underneath.
3 ~ The Withdrawer
This person moves away. When things feel overwhelming, they go quiet, detach, shut down, or distract. It is not that they do not care. It is that closeness can feel like too much.
One of their core fears is overwhelm.
Their superpower is independence and steadiness under pressure.
Their growth edge is staying present in connection when it feels intense.
4 ~ The Pleaser
This person moves toward approval, accommodates, over-gives, and apologizes quickly. They manage other people’s feelings before their own.
One of their core fears is rejection.
Their superpower is generosity and warmth.
Their growth edge is not abandoning themselves in the process.
5 ~ The Performer
This person moves upward, achieves, stay competent. They focus on productivity, and success becomes a way to secure belonging.
One of their core fears is being exposed as not enough.
Their superpower is excellence and drive.
Their growth edge is allowing themselves to be loved without performing.
6 ~ The Controller
This person creates predictability, organizes, plans, fixes, and manages outcomes to reduce uncertainty.
One of their core fears is often chaos.
Their superpower is reliability and foresight.
Their growth edge is tolerating the discomfort of not being in charge of everything.
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Which ones stood out to you for yourself?
Can you recognize others in your life playing out some of these strategies as well, especially in moments of disconnection?
We lovingly encourage you to forward this to a loved one or have a conversation together.
Here are some reflection prompts and questions to ask one another…
Which strategy (or strategies) do you think you resort to in our relationship?
Do you relate to the fears listed? Can you share with me what you think you may be scared of underneath?
How can I best support you with this?
Here are the strengths I see with your strategy…
And here’s how I want to keep growing personally…
—
Also, under enough stress, any of us can flip from one to another. For example, the Attuner can suddenly become the Fighter when they are exhausted, or the Fighter can collapse into Withdrawal when they feel helpless.
What’s key is that…
…the more we can understand ourselves and one another…
…the more conflict lessens and the more connection, peace, joy, togetherness, and fulfillment deepens and grows.
If you’d love to gain invaluable and completely customized relationship skills to last a lifetime that will profoundly benefit you and improve your connection, we’re here to be of support and are SO excited about the breakthroughs that are possible.
You’re warmly welcome to schedule a FREE, compassionate, and confidential 20-minute discovery call HERE at any time >> You can also just reply to this message or call us at 812-223-7186 M-F.
Sending you so many blessings as you have these priceless conversations, heart to heart.
Abundant love and gratitude,
