Have you ever experienced seasons when your partner is suddenly just a little more irritating than usual?
Nearly everyone in a relationship can relate to this happening at times.
Maybe you start to feel annoyed about the things they say or do (or don’t say or do).
And it then becomes a pattern of feeling less patient, more on edge, moodier, quicker to react, and just on each other’s nerves.
Rest assured, this doesn’t mean there is anything significantly “wrong” with your relationship.
Of course, it may reflect deeper resentments, needs that have gone unmet too long, and unhealed hurts that have started to pile up.
And, other times, it’s simply a pattern your brain has fallen into, and it’s time for a reset.
Firstly, do you know all of our brains are wired with something called a negativity bias?!
This means we are more likely to notice what feels off than what feels good.
And, when stress is higher, connection is lower, or you’ve had a few off moments in a row…
…your brain can default to scanning for what’s wrong, missing, or irritating (even becoming annoyed by things that once felt neutral or small).
Dr. John Gottman, leading researcher in relationships, has the famous ratio of 20:1, which recommends that couples maintain a balance of 20 positive interactions (in words, tone, gestures, actions, etc.) to 1 negative in order to have a healthy, happy relationship.
When this 20:1 ratio is maintained, it’s so much easier to see each other’s best intentions, keep the spark alive, give each other the benefit of the doubt, and feel happily connected.
If you are in a rut of getting on each other’s nerves, here are a few loving, simple, practical resets to help you find your way back to ease, joy, and actually enjoying each other again…
1. Name the Pattern (instead of staying stuck inside it)
You could say something like…
“It seems like we’ve both been getting on each other’s nerves lately, and I miss feeling close to you and enjoying life together. Let’s reset!”
This tends to soften defensiveness almost immediately, as it’s not the unspoken thing happening between you.
Instead, it’s both of you noticing something together.
It also avoids blame (key), and offers a positive alternative.
2. Re-Train Your Brain to See the Good Again
If your brain has been scanning for what’s annoying, it needs support remembering what’s actually beautiful and working.
And this doesn’t need to be hard or complicated.
You can try this simple practice:
Each day, name 3 things you appreciate about your partner. You can do this aloud together (very bonding!) or simply in your own heart and mind.
These appreciations don’t need to be anything big or fancy.
For example, some prompts could be:
“I appreciate that you…”
“I love your…”
“Thank you for…”
“I’m so lucky to have a partner who…”
Not only does focus = feeling (so you will immediately shift the chemicals flowing in your body when you move from focusing on the things that annoy you vs the things you appreciate)…
…it also starts rerouting your brain to land back on the things that connect vs disconnect you.
3. Create or Recommit to a Tiny Daily Connection Ritual
Instead of waiting to “feel close again,” we recommend creating a small moment of closeness on purpose.
It could be to linger for a 30-second hug when you reunite at the end of the day, sitting together with your morning beverage without distractions, reading something nourishing together before bed, or doing a gratitude practice.
Our daily ritual is vital for us. We take a walk together, and while we occasionally talk about the day’s challenges, we aim to spend most of the time specifically focusing on appreciations (of each other and also from our day), which fills our relationship with positive energy.
4. Get Curious (instead of certain)
If you’ve been in our community awhile, you probably know curiosity is one of our favorite thriving relationship ingredients.
When we’re irritated, it’s easy to feel more certain about what something means.
For example, you may think:
“They don’t care.” “They’re being inconsiderate.” “They always do this.”
However, there is nearly always much more going on beneath the surface.
So simply start getting curious with yourself…
“What else could be true here?”
“What might be going on for them?”
“What are they longing for more of from me?”
This helps us center our hearts back in empathy, which is where connection flourishes.
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If you’re in this pattern right now, rest assured that you can absolutely get yourselves back in the flow of love, joy, and connection.
If you would love support creating a relationship that feels amazing and brightens your everyday life (it’s the best!)…
…we’re always here for you, and so much more is possible than you likely realize.
You can always reach out to us at 812-223-7186 M-F or schedule a FREE 20-minute consultation to learn more about our private counseling and coaching sessions.
Love and support always,
