One of our favorite aspects of having the immense honor of supporting so many couples over the past 15 years is getting to discover all of the tender, vulnerable, precious, lovable parts of humanity…
…underneath the aspects we may otherwise find challenging in one another.
Having this deeper awareness creates abundant more understanding and compassion, for ourselves and each other.
And it allows us to actually find solutions, as we can then address the root, not simply the symptom.
For example, let’s look at defensiveness.
That would be the symptom.
But only telling someone “be less defensive,” will work profoundly less effectively than uncovering what’s underneath defensiveness.
We invite you to look at the list below, and see if any of these resonate for what you’re actually feeling when you get defensive.
KEY: Defensiveness is almost never about a lack of care. It is far more often about protection.
The ego steps in not to block connection but to shield something tender from being hurt.
After you’ve gone through the list on your own, we highly recommend having an openhearted conversation with your sweetheart (or any loved one).
This kind of deeper understanding almost always leads to deeper emotional connection, which is at the heart of a thriving relationship.
Okay, so here are 10 of the most common things the ego is protecting when defensiveness shows up…
(We encourage you to try these on for a recent moment you felt defensive.)
- A fear of not being enough or failing someone you care about
- A fear of losing love, closeness, or belonging
- A fear of being misunderstood or misrepresented
- A fear of shame or feeling exposed or small
- A fear of losing control or emotional stability
- A fear of being wrong and what that might say about who you are
- A fear of old wounds or past hurts being reopened
- A fear of being emotionally overwhelmed or flooded
- A fear of being judged rather than understood
- A fear that once something is said, repair will not be possible
Great job!
You can now take a deep breath.
Can you see how defensiveness often makes perfect sense when we uncover what feels at stake internally?
It is not simply about winning an argument or avoiding accountability. It is about protecting identity, attachment, dignity, and emotional safety.
The antidote to defensiveness?
It’s often about dropping into our hearts, connecting to the presence of love within us all, and helping the ego feel safe enough to relax, soften, and let go.
Life can be so much easier when we assure the ego it doesn’t need to work so hard.
Again, when you’re ready, sit together and share which ones feel most true for you.
Talk about what you are trying to protect when defensiveness arises.
These conversations, when held with genuine curiosity and openhearted care, can transform defensiveness from a wall into a bridge, which is such a beautiful thing!
If you would love to get to the root of what’s underneath your conflict or disconnection, we’re always here to be of support.
You’re warmly welcome to schedule a FREE 20-minute consultation HERE.
Sending so much love, support, and celebration for you being here on this journey of growth,
