Have you ever longed for more of something from your partner…
…more thoughtfulness, consideration, affection, connection, support, positivity, appreciation, etc…
…and felt continually disappointed by your requests not being met in the ways you hoped and dreamed?
If so, this is for you!
Your needs are valid and important (of course!)…
…but, chances are, you may be innocently doing some things that are standing in the way.
Therefore, let’s talk about what many couples do (that often doesn’t work) and what to try instead.
Maybe you’ve read advice that suggests…
“Just speak up. Ask for what you want.”
However, you may have realized (as we’ve seen with thousands of the couples we’ve been honored to support)…
…it’s not so simple.
Even when you’ve explained it clearly, loudly, and repeatedly, it’s no guarantee it will actually work.
Why?
Relationships are not just built on the WHAT of communication…
they are built on the HOW of energy, emotions, tone, body language, intentional word choice, and nervous system responses.
Let’s ground the WHAT versus HOW with a couple of examples…
Perhaps you want more affection or attention, so you say things like:
“I wish you would initiate _______ more.”
“It makes me feel unloved when you don’t________.”
Of course, these words make so much sense.
However, depending on the energy with which you express them, your partner may feel things like pressure, failure, and a discouraging sense that they’re already doing it wrong.
Even if they care deeply about you, their system may start to pull back, shut down, close off, or avoid.
What’s key is that this is not because they don’t love you or want to be close to you.
Instead, it’s usually because of how the interaction feels.
In this same example, let’s imagine something different.
Instead of focusing on what’s missing, you shift HOW you approach them: more open in your body language, warmer in your tone, more expressive of appreciation.
What typically happens then?
>> Your partner starts to feel safer, more wanted, and more successful and encouraged.
And from that place, they start to change, not simply out of pressure, guilt, or because they think they “should” but because they want to do so.
Let’s look at another example: feeling unheard.
If you feel like your partner doesn’t listen, the instinct is often to say:
“You’re not hearing me.”
“You never really listen.”
“I’ve said this so many times.”
However, when that’s the energy in the room, your partner is picking up on (and reflecting) your energy and bracing themselves against feeling criticized or inadequate.
Instead, if you were to slow down and speak vulnerably from your heart (rather than focusing on what they are doing wrong), their own heart can more readily stay open too.
For example, say something like…
“I notice I feel a little alone right now, and I’d really love to feel close to you.”
This lands very differently!
What’s key is this…
>> We are always teaching our partner how to relate to us and sending signals they typically mirror back…
…not just through our words (the WHAT), but through HOW we show up with our presence, tone, body language, and energy in everyday life (inside and outside of conflict).
So, no matter what situation you are in right now, we invite you to reflect on the below…
~ How would my partner describe my energy around them in everyday life?
~ How do I bring issues up to my partner? What is my energy like when I do? Does it pull them in or repel?
>> When you bring the energy of things like appreciation, kindness, love, empathy, safety, vulnerability, encouragement, support, spaciousness, curiosity, togetherness, positivity…
…your partner will be much more likely to want to lean in, whatever the request.
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If you long for a thriving relationship but don’t know where to begin (or if it’s even possible), helping individuals and couples create the kind of love they’ve always wanted is our passion and specialty. We are here for you fully.
You can always reach out to us at 812-223-7186 M-F or schedule a FREE 20-minute consultation to learn more about our private counseling and coaching sessions.
Love and support always,
