Here’s something we remind couples of all the time:
The argument is rarely about what you see on the surface.
It’s usually not really about the dishes, the text that didn’t get answered, the tone of voice, the missed opportunity for connection, or whatever it may be.
>> Beneath most conflict lives something that is much more tender.
Often, if we could see each other’s thought bubbles, we’re really asking each other things like:
“Do you really care?”
“Am I enough for you?”
“Are you with me in this?”
“Are you going to leave?”
“Do you appreciate me?”
Of course, these questions don’t always come out clearly…
…and you might not even realize they are underneath your own reactions, let alone your partner’s.
In fact, they often come out sideways as things like frustration, criticism, defensiveness, and withdrawal.
Why?
When we ultimately feel scared (that we aren’t wanted, loved, supported, understood, appreciated, etc.), our nervous system goes into protection mode, and…
…we argue, justify, explain, shut down, try to be right, etc.
However, what we’re often longing for is reassurance.
And it can work like magic!
Reassurance to know things like:
“I matter to you.”
“I’m not alone here.”
“You choose me, even when it’s hard.”
If you’re in the middle of a disagreement, it can be so, so powerful to pause and ask yourself or each other:
“What do we each really need right now?”
“What reassurance would help each of us feel safer?
“How can we respond to the vulnerability beneath our actions and words?”
We call this “wonder and look under,” and we often hear that it’s one of the most memorable things we teach our clients and students to do.
When we shift into greater empathy for what’s underneath the more challenging behaviors we see on the surface…
…it’s amazing how much it can soften a conversation and change its direction entirely.
Of course, this doesn’t mean you ignore your own needs or avoid hard conversations.
It simply means you “wonder and look under” and help each other feel emotionally secure in the process.
It truly makes everything else easier to navigate!
If conflict in your relationship feels repetitive, overwhelming, or hard to move through without disconnecting, you don’t have to figure it out alone.
You’re always warmly welcome to schedule a FREE 20-minute consultation. It’s a calm, supportive space to explore what’s underneath the arguments and how to create more safety, understanding, and closeness together.
Here’s to remembering that beneath every conflict is a longing to feel loved, chosen, supported, understood, and deeply cared for..
Sending abundant love, gratitude, and support,
