In your romantic relationship, have you ever noticed these two things?
(1) You have lots of opinions about what each other says or does.
(2) You are able see things about one another that you aren’t able to see in yourselves.
This can lead to:
- Feeling controlled or criticized because of your partner’s opinions about who you are and what you do
- Thinking it is your “duty” or “right” to repeatedly tell your partner your opinions and perspective, even when they haven’t asked
- Blaming your partner and their actions for your emotional state
- Getting defensive when they give you feedback, especially about things that don’t feel true or that you aren’t yet willing or able to see
In most romantic relationships, we are constantly giving and receiving feedback with one another.
Without the right tools, this can create a lot of resentment and disconnection.
However, when feedback is offered and received with love, intention, and grace, it can be one of the most valuable aspects of partnership.
In this blog, we go over the key tips for delivering feedback in a way your partner or spouse will actually hear and…
…in the next blog, we’ll explore learning how to receive feedback in a way that allows you to deepen and grow.
Let’s start with giving feedback.
>> How do you know if it’s something to share with your beloved or just to keep to yourself?
Here are some general guidelines:
- If you don’t also tell your partner lots of positive things (appreciation, celebration, praise, empathy, validation, etc.), your beloved is likely going to feel exhausted by your constant feedback.
However, if most of your feedback to them is positive, loving, and complimentary, they will be able to receive your constructive feedback much more readily.
- Ask yourself if the feedback would actually help, and check your own intentions.
Are you sharing it with them just to complain, criticize, make wrong, or punish them, or are you in a space where you can deliver the feedback in a helpful, healthy way?
- Have you already tried delivering your feedback to them, and they didn’t receive it?
If so, try a different delivery method…
Share your feedback at a different time of day, during a different kind of activity (ex: offer it when cuddling on the couch, rather than when rushing out the door in the morning), with a different tone, using a different communication method (ex: write them a heartfelt letter instead).
Hold off on saying the feedback yet again until you can be strategic about using a different method and style of delivery.
- Have you first checked in with yourself to see how you are contributing to whatever it is?
Ask yourself: “how am I playing a role in creating this?”
Nearly every single challenge in relationships is co-created, and most people easily overlook their own role in it.
- Remember to differentiate. It’s okay if your beloved wants to do something differently from what you think is best.
We encourage you to pause from constantly sharing your unsolicited feedback.
In many cases, if your partner wants to do it their way, even if it’s less efficient or effective, let them do it their way just so they can stay connected to themselves.
Otherwise, over time, people often take a step back from their relationship if they feel like they are losing themselves in it.
In other words, choose your feedback wisely. Let them be different. Be more committed to being happy and close than being right.
When it’s time to deliver the feedback, here are a few quick tips.
Zoom out to also acknowledge all they are doing that is helpful and positive.
It’s so easy to lose perspective and zoom all the way in on what we wish were different.
This makes sense, of course.
However, it skews our perspective, and it also leads to our partner feeling unseen, unheard, misunderstood, and unappreciated…
…which often triggers defensiveness and closes them off from seeing the validity in what you are saying.
If they realize you see the bigger picture and everything they are also doing that’s beneficial, they will more likely trust your feedback as well.
Acknowledge their strengths, their good intentions, and what you also appreciate. This can go a long way.
Keep your own humanness in mind, and share it with them.
When giving feedback, it’s important that you don’t put yourself in a position where you are the one who has everything figured out, and they are the one with all the issues.
When you share with them a mistake you’ve made too or things you personally are working on, they will feel less alone and more connected to you as their best friend and teammate.
This, in turn, makes them more likely to hear your feedback.
This tip is not always essential to explicitly do (i.e. you don’t always have to list off your mistakes or personal learning curve).
However, it’s so important to come from this spirit of remembering you too are human and are always learning and growing as well.
Ask permission before giving them feedback.
This helps them to get into a more receptive space before you deliver the feedback, and it will prevent them from feeling attacked.
Don’t treat your feedback as the ultimate truth, even though it may feel that way to you.
Offer your ideas and perspective as possibilities, invitations, and loving suggestions, and let your beloved be the ultimate authority of their inner world.
If they sense you are forcing your opinions, they may even hold onto their way of doing things more, just to prevent losing their individuality.
Let your sweetheart be different. Honor their inner wisdom, and help them tap into it, rather than dominating their inner voice with your own.
Focus on the future, not the past.
Although there are some moments when focusing on the past is important, nobody wants to listen to a laundry list of the mistakes they’ve made or things they could have done better.
If you ever go into the past, name these things with compassion and grace. However, we encourage you to primarily focus on what you’d love to be different in the future.
In fact, in many conversations, we recommend primarily focusing on the future, rather than on what has already happened.
Use the prompt:
“What I dream of is…”
Use positive language to paint a picture of how you’d love things to be different next time.
When you focus on the unwanted behavior that already happened, you can easily (and unintentionally) reinforce it.
However, if you focus on the behavior you would like to see more of (and, ideally, say it in a warm and inviting way), you give your beloved an opportunity to succeed, and you increase the chances of things improving.
Give one piece of feedback at a time.
If you bring up all the ways you wish your partner would improve, they are going to be flooded and overwhelmed.
When you pick just one thing (and focus on the behavior, not the personality trait!), the chances of them receiving and implementing your feedback increase.
Less is more.
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We hope you found something here to instantly start implementing. May it serve you deeply!
And may you remember that the purpose of feedback isn’t to change your partner. It’s to strengthen the love between you.
And the most transformative feedback is rarely the most frequent. It’s the most intentional.
Again, in the next blog, we’ll share tips for how to best receive feedback… so stay tuned for that!
As always, if we can support you in any way, we are wholeheartedly here for you!
If you feel overwhelmed, flooded, and resentful about the amount of feedback your partner seems to always be giving, or if you feel frustrated because your spouse isn’t receiving the feedback you are trying to share, in even just one session, a big breakthrough awaits!
You can reach us at 812-223-7186 M-F or schedule a FREE 20-minute consultation to learn more about our private sessions, available anywhere in the world.
May your love continue to blossom into the best version of who you can be together!
Sending you so much love, hope, and support always,
