If you ever find yourself staying quiet about something that’s bothering you in your relationship…
…if you ever tell yourself it’s not a big deal or that bringing it up will just start an argument…
…this relationship tip is for you!
Also, if you’ve ever wondered whether you and your partner over-talk things, processing every little thing until you’re both exhausted…
…that has its own dangers, so we’ll talk about that at the end too.
Why You May Stay Silent (And Why It Makes So Much Sense)
Before we dive into why it’s invaluable to talk things through (and how), we also want to acknowledge how understandable it is if bringing things up feels hard or scary.
Here are some of the most common fears we’ve heard from the couples we’ve been honored to support:
- “What if it starts a fight and makes things worse?”
- “What if they get defensive and shut down?”
- “What if bringing it up means I’m too sensitive or too needy?”
- “What if I say it wrong and hurt them?”
- “What if the conversation reveals something I don’t want to know?”
Can you relate to any of these? Sending so much compassion if so.
And we also want to lovingly share, from our 15 years of supporting couples and 23+ years of our own relationship: the silence is likely costing you so much more than you realize.
What Happens When You Don’t Talk About Things
As wonderful as it would be to not talk about things and have them actually go away, things left unspoken don’t actually disappear.
In fact, Dr. John Gottman, one of the world’s leading relationship researchers, found that unresolved conflict and unaddressed emotional distance are among the strongest predictors of relationship deterioration over time.
He identified that criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are predictable patterns that tend to build up when couples stop talking about what actually matters.
Have you noticed this too?
Dr. Sue Johnson (legendary researcher around attachment in romantic relationships) shows that, when partners consistently fail to communicate their deeper needs and fears…
…over time, they become two people living as strangers under the same roof.
Therefore, this is some loving encouragement to get honest with yourself about the real consequences of avoiding the hard conversations:
- Resentment builds.
- Emotional distance grows, and you might coexist and coordinate, but you stop truly connecting.
- Assumptions take over, and you fill in the blanks with fears and misunderstandings.
So what’s the antidote to the above?
>> We’ve personally found it invaluable to build a regular rhythm of intentionally checking in with each other (with curiosity, empathy, care, and a growth mindset).
And below are five of our favorite questions to ask each other and share with our clients.
(Also, rest assured, if things have piled up or not gone well in the past, with a little added support, it’s truly amazing how quickly and ease-fully things can start to massively and positively change.)
5 Powerful Relationship Questions We Encourage Couples to Ask Regularly
1. “What are some things I’ve done recently that you’ve appreciated, and what have they meant to you?”
2. “Is there anything between us you’d like to talk about or anything you’ve been carrying that you haven’t had space to share?”
3. “On a scale of 1 to 10, how connected do you feel to me right now? And what would move that number up even one point?”
4. “What’s one dream or goal you’re excited about right now, and how can I support you in it?” (Dr. Gottman’s research highlights that one hallmark of lasting love is partners who actively support each other’s dreams.)
5. “What would help you feel even more loved right now?”
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Before we wrap up, as we mentioned at the start, we want to briefly address the opposite of avoiding, which is…
…over-processing things.
We’ve certainly worked with couples who, rather than under-communicating, fall into the pattern of over-talking about their relationship…
…analyzing every moment, circling back to old wounds repeatedly, or spending so much time in “relationship fixing mode” that there’s no room left to simply enjoy each other.
If your relationship has started to feel like mostly processing and very little play, sometimes, the most healing and transformative thing…
…is to simply put the conversation down and create some new, positive memories together.
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We hope this provides some motivation, courage, and inspiration to lean into the conversations that may seem a little scary.
Why?
>> The conversations you’re avoiding are almost always the ones your relationship needs most in order to thrive.
And, with a little outside support, these conversations become exponentially easier and more successful.
Plus, having the conversation will be much less damaging than avoiding it.
True intimacy, the kind that sustains a partnership through real seasons and years, requires being vulnerable, honest, and willing to keep hearing each other and showing up (even when it’s temporarily uncomfortable).
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If you’re not sure where to begin, if you’ve tried and the conversations keep going sideways, or if you simply want to create the kind of thriving relationship you’ve dreamed of having, we’d be honored to help, and so much is possible and available.
You can reach us at 812-223-7186 M-F or schedule a FREE 20-minute consultation to learn more about our private sessions, available anywhere in the world.
Sending you so much love, hope, and support always,
