There’s a fascinating relationship concept that was popularized by Dr. Harville Hendrix in his NY Times Bestseller, “Getting the Love You Want.”
It’s actually one of the many relationship retreats we attended nearly 20 years ago when we wanted to understand and transform our own conflict and dove wholeheartedly into creating the relationship of our dreams.
The theory is that many people unconsciously choose partners who feel emotionally familiar to their nervous system.
In other words, you date or marry someone who carries traits that remind you of one of your parents or early caregivers.
And it’s simply because the human psyche has a profound tendency to move toward what feels familiar…
…especially when there are old unmet needs still longing for healing.
Research in attachment theory, neuroscience, and relationship psychology supports the idea that our early relational experiences shape what feels emotionally “normal” to us later in love.
However, after 15+ years of having the honor of supporting thousands of couples and embarking on our own personal and relational growth the past two decades, we find that both of these are deeply common:
1. CHOOSE FAMILIAR.
This would be what we mentioned above (be attracted to those who remind you of your caregiver or parent, even if it’s not best for you).
2. DO THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT’S FAMILIAR.
We find that some people actually do the opposite.
For example, if someone grew up with emotional chaos, they may deeply crave calm and stability.
If someone grew up feeling unseen, they may long for someone highly expressive and attentive.
If someone grew up in a rigid home, they may feel magnetized toward freedom and spontaneity.
Which explains your partner selection… 1 or 2?
(And, of course, neither may feel like a match to your situation.)
Whether you chose a partner that feels familiar or who is the opposite of familiar, both paths come with gifts and challenges.
When we marry someone similar to our upbringing, the relationship can feel deeply familiar and magnetic…
…but it can also activate old wounds and repetitive patterns.
When we marry someone very different, it can feel refreshing and healing in some ways…
…but also incredibly disorienting to the nervous system.
Why? Because it’s so easy to interpret “different” as “wrong,” simply because it’s unfamiliar.
>> This is why conscious relationships matter so much.
In a thriving relationship, the goal isn’t to find a perfectly flawless human who never activates us.
Instead, the aim is to become more aware of the stories, wounds, defenses, and needs we each bring into love…
…and to learn how to heal and grow together.
One of the reasons we LOVE supporting couples so much is that…
…the very places that challenge us most in our relationship often point toward the exact places where growth, healing, expansion, and deeper love are waiting to happen in the most meaningful ways.
Would you love to create a more healing relationship, one that helps you both grow and evolve beyond the wounds and limitations of your pasts?
We’re here for you fully and honored and excited to help, and you can reach out to us at812-223-7186 M-F or schedule a FREE 20-minute consultation to learn more about our private sessions, available anywhere in the world.
Sending you so much love and support always,
