If you’ve ever wondered…
“What do I do when I feel shut out by my partner or spouse?”
…this week’s relationship email is written with a whole lot of love, compassion, and helpful guidance to support you.
It may be that the walls went up recently or maybe they’ve been up for years. Either way, we just want to acknowledge how painful that disconnection can be.
And it’s natural to feel lonely, rejected, confused, angry, or scared.
If you’ve been trying and your partner keeps pulling away, it can also feel exhausting.
This is all so understandable, valid, and human.
And we also want to start off by assuring you: disconnection is not the end.
True emotional intimacy and lasting love does not require us to stay perfectly connected all the time.
Over the course of time, it’s incredibly common (nearly universal) to fall out of connection at times.
We just need to find our way back, again and again.
>> And, ironically, the repair, the returning to each other, is actually what deepens a marriage or partnership over time, which is such a beautiful thing.
Therefore, if you’re in a painful season of disconnection right now, we’ve got you.
Let’s explore why their walls may have gone up (or why yours do sometimes too) and what you can actually do about it.
6 Reasons Why Walls Go Up
Of course, it can be different for everyone, so it’s best not to assume what’s going on. However, from our 15+ years of having the honor of supporting couples, we find it often comes down to one (or more) of these 6 things:
1. Resentment
This usually builds slowly over time when hurts haven’t been fully repaired.
Your partner may not feel heard, valued, or appreciated.
They may have stopped bringing things up because they’ve already decided how it’s going to go.
The love and care aren’t gone. Instead, they’ve just gotten buried under a lot of accumulated pain, frustration, and discouragement.
2. Fear
For example, they may be afraid that…
- getting close means getting hurt again
- if they let their guard down, nothing will really change
- their feelings won’t be taken seriously
- if they open up, you’ll pull away again
- hope will just lead to more disappointment
- they’ll lose themselves if they get too close
- showing vulnerability will be used against them
It’s not typically all of these things, but a couple of them may resonate with your partner.
3. Mental Health
When someone is experiencing depression or a really hard season, they can’t selectively numb the pain and keep the joy, so everything can begin to shut off.
It’s so easy to take this personally, and we know how painful it can be.
However, your partner may not be pulling away from you specifically. They may just be shut down inside.
4. Overwhelm
Another significant cause of walls going up is overwhelm and nervous system overload.
If this is the case, they may not have access to words and feel emotionally maxed out…
…and the pulling away is from various sources of stimulation, pressure, conflict, demands, decisions, noise, expectations, or emotional intensity…
…not simply you but because their nervous system may be flooded.
5. Feeling Unsuccessful
Research (and our years of experience with couples) shows that many people withdraw when they feel:
- They can’t get it right
- Nothing they do is enough
- They’re disappointing their partner
- They keep failing at repair attempts
- They feel criticized more than appreciated
In other words, the wall is not a lack of care. Instead, it gets built when someone doesn’t know how to succeed anymore.
6. Missed Bids for Connection
Research by Dr. John Gottman also highlights that, sometimes, walls form after hundreds of small moments where one or both partners stopped feeling seen, prioritized, or responded to.
(The good news is that these walls often come down the same way they went up: through small moments of connection, care, responsiveness, and turning toward each other again.)
Alright, now it’s time to talk about…
6 Things You Can Do to Help Reconnect
1. Get curious (not defensive) and have an openhearted check-in.
If you’re not sure why the walls are up, we encourage you to ask them with an open heart…
…and to approach this question carefully, avoiding any sort of wrong-making, a critical tone, accusations, etc.
You can simply say something like:
“I’ve noticed___________ (insert the objective thing happening, like spending more time on their phone, coming to bed later, etc.).
And I’d love to understand more about what’s going on.
I miss you and care about you and would love to truly listen to what you’re thinking and feeling so I can see if there’s anything I can do differently to help.”
2. Ask yourself what you may have done to contribute to this.
Of course, this isn’t always an easy question to ask ourselves.
However, it can be an illuminating and liberating one, as taking responsibility actually allows us to reclaim our power to create the changes we desire.
What have you done that has co-created this dynamic with their walls going up, even unintentionally?
To help gain clarity, you can reflect on a time when their walls weren’t up. How were you showing up differently at that time too?
For example, were you being more…
- Curious about their thoughts and feelings
- Affectionate and loving
- Playful, positive, or fun
- Present and attentive
- Appreciative and encouraging
- Patient and understanding
- Open to feedback
- Interested in their world
- Emotionally available
- Less critical or reactive
- More willing to listen without defending yourself
- More intentional about spending quality time together
We’re not at all suggesting you are the one to blame. Instead, it’s just about reflecting honestly on how you may have contributed to the dynamic…
…so you can help gain valuable insight and potential opportunities for repair and reconnection.
3. If your partner has asked for space, honor that.
This doesn’t mean going cold or shutting down yourself…
…or this lasting indefinitely.
You can still show up with warmth and presence without pursuing or pressuring.
Let them know you’re there when they are ready (and mean it).
This means finding your center, doing things that are deeply nourishing for yourself and giving them some time and space to find their center too.
Your repair and reconnection will almost always be much more effective when this has happened first.
Of course, it’s best not to assume they want space (maybe they don’t) or to let this go on forever.
However, if they’ve asked for it, healthy and small amounts of space, ironically, can end up creating a lot more closeness.
4. Create emotional safety.
When someone has their walls up, what they typically need most is not pressure, persuasion, fixing, convincing, or defending.
They need emotional safety…
…which is typically built through things like empathy, consistency, curiosity, accountability, and time.
5. Refuel your moments with appreciation.
Research shows that one of the fastest ways to soften walls is helping your partner feel seen, valued, and appreciated.
This can be done through genuine and ongoing acknowledgment of who they are and what they contribute.
6. Be consistent and patient.
It’s so easy to want to see changes overnight in our partner when we start to show up differently.
However, if resentment or not feeling emotionally safe has built up over years, it’s likely going to take consistent, different behavior over time before your beloved starts to feel safe enough to lower their walls.
This might mean consistently and repeatedly following through on things like…
- Listening without defending
- Expressing appreciation
- Being dependable
- Not judging when they share openly
- Showing affection without pressure
- Apologizing more quickly
However, if you keep showing up (while taking the best care of yourself!) chances are, they will want to move towards being more available, present, and connected.
And, again…
Relationships are systems. We all influence each other. The goal here isn’t blame (of them or yourself). It’s simply identifying where you have power to create positive change.
Lastly, If You’re the One Whose Walls Are Up…
We just want to add a little note for you here too. Perhaps you’ve been pulling away and don’t know how to reconnect.
Rest assured, you aren’t broken or incapable of intimacy.
Most people put up walls over time because they care deeply and are trying to protect themselves from something.
If you recognize yourself in this email, we lovingly encourage you to reflect on the below:
- What am I protecting myself from right now?
- What am I needing that I haven’t found words for yet?
- What hurt, disappointment, fear, or resentment might be asking for attention?
- Is there one small thing I could share with my partner that would help them understand me better?
The more you can understand yourself, the more your partner can understand you too.
And the more they understand what’s underneath the walls they see on the surface…
…the more they can be a source of support, the better your relationship will be, and the more you will naturally want to lower your walls and help keep the pathway to connection open and clear.
If you’ve read all of this and you’re still not sure where to start or feel stuck, we’re here for you fully and would be honored to help. You can reach out to us at 812-223-7186 M-F or schedule a FREE 20-minute consultation to learn more about our private sessions, available anywhere in the world.
Sending you so much love and support always,
